You Have Writer

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE EXAM ROOM – DAY

A nervous young woman sits on the examination table. She eyes the posters and pamphlets within the pristine room – each one more intimidating than the last. The door opens just as she is about to begin scrolling through her phone.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Hi Michelle! How are you this fine morning?

MICHELLE

I guess it really depends on the test results right? I’ve been doing a little self diagnosing recently and according to WebMD I might have brain cancer?

Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly and sits down across from her. He’s middle aged and British which gives everything he says an air of authority.

DOCTOR HARRIS

You probably have nothing to worry about but it never hurts to be cautious. Let’s take a look.

Doctor Harris opens up a manila folder and begins reading Michelle’s test results. Michelle simultaneously attempts to read the doctor’s facial expressions.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Hmmm..

Michelle’s face drops. Doctor Harris flips the page and his brows immediately furrow.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well that’s not great.

Michelle’s eyes widen. Doctor Harris flips the page once again and looks even more concerned.

DOCTOR HARRIS

(to himself)

Never would have guessed it.

MICHELLE

Is everything alright? You’re kinda scaring me doc.

Doctor Harris looks confused – almost as if he forgot Michelle was right there. He then immediately snaps back into “super professional” mode.

DOCTOR HARRIS

According to the test results, you have writer.

MICHELLE

I’m sorry did you say writer?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Yes, are you familiar with the condition?

MICHELLE

No. What is it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

It’s a neurological disorder that results in unusual psychotic tendencies.

MICHELLE

Like what?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well it’s technically quite complex and like most neurological disorders it’s really ultimately caused by a slight chemical imbalance but let me see if I can explain it simply.

Doctor Harris thinks for a moment.

DOCTOR HARRIS

You know those weird thoughts that everyone has? Like, if a turtle were to lose its shell would it be naked or would it be homeless? Or where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Or why is abbreviated such a long word? Well normal people have those thoughts and then think that’s a weird thought I probably shouldn’t think of that and keep living their lives. People with writer don’t do that. People with writer obsess about those thoughts and keep thinking about them for way too long. It’s like..unhealthy dysfunctional daydreaming.

MICHELLE

Sounds serious. How worried should I be?

DOCTOR HARRIS

It can get pretty bad so I won’t sugarcoat it but some have been able to live relatively normal and successful lives despite it. Mild cases are a lot more common than you might think.

MICHELLE

How bad do I have it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well according to your test results you have a rather severe case. But I’ll have to ask you some questions to really verify the diagnosis. I do have to warn you though. Some of these questions may be a bit...personal.

MICHELLE

Not a problem. Go ahead.

Doctor Harris flips to another sheet in his folder and pulls out a pen. After each question and answer he takes notes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Did you read a lot as a child?

MICHELLE

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Do you often spend time endlessly re-wording text messages and emails until they sound just right?

MICHELLE

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Have you ever thought less of someone due to their poor spelling?

MICHELLE

(Hesitant)

Yes.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Would you consider yourself popular in highschool?

MICHELLE

Yes. Wait....No.

DOCTOR HARRIS

I’ll let you in on a little secret. That last one is a trick question. People with writer are almost never popular in highschool.

MICHELLE

So do I officially have it?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Yes, one of the worst cases I’ve probably seen. It’s a shame really. Any decent doctor should have caught this by now.

MICHELLE

But you’ve been my doctor since forever.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Really? Have you still been coming in for your annual checkups?

MICHELLE

Every year! You always do that thing where you joke about how I’m now officially too tall for a lollipop but you still end up giving me one anyway...You don’t remember?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well that’s embarrassing.

MICHELLE

Is writer curable?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Unfortunately not.

There is an awkward silence as they both stew on this.

MICHELLE

So what am I supposed to do?

DOCTOR HARRIS

Sorry, I probably should have lead with that.

Doctor Harris hands Michelle several pamphlets. One of the them is for a medication with a ridiculously long and graphically detailed list of side effects.

DOCTOR HARRIS

These will tell you everything you need to know about writer as well as your current treatment options. I’m also going to refer you to a specialist who can get you started with therapy and begin prescribing medication. Do you have any other specific questions?

MICHELLE

I don’t think so. This is just a lot to take in.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Well you can always meet with me or the specialist if you think of any. I highly recommend some of those online support groups listed. Some of my patients really swear by one. I think it’s called Medium.com? I’ll go get the specialists information for you.

Doctor Harris begins to head towards the door.

MICHELLE

Hey Doc? This might be a stupid question --

DOCTOR HARRIS

There’s no such thing as a stupid question Michelle.

MICHELLE

This writer thing. It’s not in anyway related to writing is it?

Once again Doctor Harris laughs a little too loudly. It’s demeaning.

DOCTOR HARRIS

As in the physical act of putting thoughts into words on a page?

MICHELLE

Yeah.

DOCTOR HARRIS

Nope. Completely unrelated.

 

Millennial Film Reviews

🔥🔥🔥 film criticism in 140 characters or less

CLUMSY CAREER WOMAN FINALLY FINDS A MAN
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Starring: Quirky chick, architect
This is a fantastic fucking film. Sure the characters, dialogue and plot are all paper thin but it’s amazing Netflix and chill material. You see what I did there? Fantastic fucking film? Where do I go to pick up my Pulitzer?
Rating: 🍆🍆

PEOPLE IN CAPES BLOW STUFF UP REPEATEDLY
Genre: Action
Starring: Everyone & their mama
It was good I guess. Just all a bit much. Speaking of which, did you know that 3D films now cost $18? MAN YOU KNOW I GOT STUDENT LOANS AND SHIT.
Rating: 😡😡😡

THIS HAPPENED DURING WWII SO IT’S DEFFO IMPORTANT
Genre: Drama
Starring: Meryl Streep
Way too long. People are putting out life changing content in 7 seconds online but you need three and a half hours to tell me about a couple of wartime scammers? And people say our generation is entitled…
Rating: 💩💩💩💩

DISNEY CHARACTERS GIVE YOU ALL THE FEELS
Genre: Adventure
Starring: Extreme vocal fry, token black voice
I laughed, I cried, I reminisced. 90s nostalgia is a hell of a drug.
Rating: 💫💫💫💫💫

UNDERACHIEVING MAN CHILD GOOFS OFF
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow stand-in, various other white dudes
All the funny bits are in the trailer. In fact, the only funny bit left out is when he comedically show his….never mind I just realized there’s a red band trailer.
Rating: 😑😑

EVEN MORE DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS FUCKED
Genre: Documentary
Starring: Academics trying to be cool, Morgan Freeman voiceover
Yo old people, we get it. You screwed us over – quit bragging about it.
Rating: 😩

Club Tweet

This better be worth it. This better be worth it. This better be worth it.

This was all Melanie thought as she stood in line outside the club. It was a chilly October night and while her wool jacket did a decent job of keeping her torso and thighs warm, she was definitely starting to feel the cold in her knees and ankles. She tried hard not to think about how warm she would normally be at this time of night, watching TV in her living room underneath a blanket.

This is definitely not going to be worth it.

Underneath her jacket she was wearing her favourite black mini dress – although she wasn’t sure she could still call it that seeing as how she hadn’t pulled it out of her closet in about eight months. Eight months. That’s how long it had been since she’d gone out like this. Her friends had invited her here weeks ago and after running through several thoroughly researched excuses over the past few weekends, she knew she had reached the end of the line. She finally had to show up. So here she was, in front of the club wearing a black dress and cat ears – the ultimate Halloween cop out costume.

“Welcome to Club Tweet!” a boyish looking bouncer announced as Melanie got to the front of the line.

Behind him was another bouncer, a bigger, older, surlier one. Melanie guessed that the former was the brains of the operation while the latter was the brawn. She began pulling out her driver’s license to hand to him when the younger bouncer laughed and stopped her. A flood of thoughts instantly rushed through Melanie’s mind:

Had it really been that long? Did she no longer need ID? Was she….old?

“You must be new here” he announced a little too loudly. “We don’t need ID here at Club Tweet. Unlike some of our competitors you can really be whoever you want here.”

Melanie wasn’t sure what that actually meant so she did what she always did in this scenario – nod in fake agreement. The younger bouncer handed her a small black marker and a name tag. Clubbing sure seems to have changed. She filled out the name tag with her first name and began pasting it to her jacket when the bouncer stopped her again.

“I’m sorry but you’re actually not going to be able to use that name in here. It’s already been taken.”

“But it’s my name. And I thought you said I could be whoever I wanted.”

“Yeah it’s just kind of a club policy thing. Someone’s already claimed it and everyone in here needs to have a unique name.” The bouncer gave her a look of empathy and handed her a fresh name tag.

Melanie decided to add play it safe this time and wrote down her full name, including her middle name which she really hated. She handed it back to the bouncer who reviewed the name tag and then looked at his clipboard. He then looked at both again before giving Melanie a sheepish grin.

“You’re never going to believe this…”

Continue reading

The Year Ahead in Headlines

– Happy New Year! Here are some tips to help delay the eventual screwing up of your New Year’s resolution.

– Someone in Florida did something stupid again.

– Republican presidential candidate says something racist. While attempting to defuse the situation, he accidentally says something even more racist.

– You’ve already broken your new year’s eve resolution? Here’s where you fucked up.

– Angry mob of social network users threaten to jump ship after new feature is added. After spending a few minutes back in real life most decide to reconsider.

– Olympians overjoyed that we are all at least pretending to care about their sport again.

– Self deprecating celebrity reminds the world that they’re just like the rest of us

– Black teens turn unsuspecting white male into meme.

– Apple admits their last product was trash. But today they’re revealing something truly revolutionary -and it only costs twice as much as last time!

– Playing golf all year round is cool and all but this climate change stuff is actually kind of serious guys.

– It’s Columbus Day! Time to remind you just how bullshit this holiday really is.

– D list celebrity wears extremely offensive costume. Claims they had no idea it was offensive.

– Nerds still seem to think this bitcoin thing is pretty important. Let’s try to find out why.

– Remember that meme that was funny earlier this year? You can now give it to someone for Christmas!

 

Terrible Roast Jokes

Kevin Hart

– Doesn’t it seem like Kevin Hart has been everywhere the past few years? Kevin, you are aware that you can turn things down right? Kevin Hart says no less than Bill Cosby’s dates.

– As a matter of fact, I hear he’s going to be hosting a fundraiser for Jeff Ross and Hannibal Buress in the parking lot after the show.

Martha Stewart

– Does anybody know why Martha is here? Martha and Justin couldn’t be any more opposite. Justin is a young heart-throb that can fuck any girl with a pulse. Martha is so old after you fuck you should probably check for a pulse.

– They even have opposite styles. Justin is an innocent young kid that’s been trying to convince people that he’s a thug his whole life. Martha’s been trying to convince people she’s an innocent old white lady when she’s really the hardest person here. She’s the only one here who’s actually been to prison. Not jail…prison.

Pete Davidson

– I always wondered who the hell checks in the “other” box on the race section of forms and then I saw Pete.

Hannibal Buress

– Hannibal, I know it probably sucks that the first thing people associate with your name is a serial killer; but after meeting you, I have to say you’re parents were kind of ahead of their time with that one.

Jeff Ross

– Jeff looks like Humpty Dumpty after he fell of the wagon.

Shaquille O’Neal

– Shaq is 7’1. His girlfriend is 5’2. So when Shaq comes up to tell his terrible jokes and you feel like you’re being punished, just know his girl is going to take some way way way worse punishment later tonight.

Chris D’Elia

– I like to call Chris Tarzan because he’s a really handsome white dude that spends all of his time on Vines with monkeys. If you thought that joke was racist just know that you’re actually the real racist because I was just referring to his vine videos with Justin Bieber’s monkey.

– Chris is also Justin’s favourite comic, which means that when they hangout Chris gets to eat more trashed leftovers than homeless guy behind your local McDonald’s.

Snoop Dogg

– Snoop’s house is the only place where the smoke detectors are set up to go off when they don’t detect smoke.

Justin Bieber

– Justin is the only guy I know that somehow looks more feminine after puberty. You’re like the Benjamin Button of sexuality.

– Honestly, does it disturb Ellen that every time that you go on her show you look more and more like her?

– Besides the fact that he’s a former child star, you know how I know Justin Bieber is going to go broke? Because Justin allegedly paid to sleep with a prostitute in Brazil. Justin paying for sex is like Kanye West doing affirmations for self-confidence.

– Justin’s meltdown has given us some amazing moments though. Like the legendary smile in the mugshot. It’s funny because that’s the exact same face all the inmates made when they heard they were going to be sharing a cell with Justin Bieber.

– Justin says his favorite colour is purple. But I’m pretty sure he means that his favourite movie is “The Colour Purple” because that’s the last time there were this many uncomfortable black people on one screen.