Roasting the Biebs

So Comedy Central played a rerun of the Justin Bieber roast on TV the other day and I finally got a chance to sit down and watch it. While most of the jokes were actually pretty funny, the roast as a whole was hard to watch because it violated the two cardinal rules of any good roasting session:

#1: A roast only works if all of the people roasting actually know each other. It’s much funnier to watch friends who have a history go at it because not only are the jokes going to sting that much more, but the person being roasted (roastee?) will feel much more comfortable giving a genuine reaction. And while most of the participants did a good job of laughing off the jokes anyway, it was pretty easy to see that there were actually some hurt feelings behind those exaggerated guffaws and knee slaps. Few things are more uncomfortable than watching someone pretend that a joke didn’t hurt.

#2: You can’t ask to be roasted! This was such a blatant PR move by Bieber that it made the whole thing kind of awkward because you could tell that he was thinking “I hope they eat this up” the entire time. Although Hannibal Buress did apparently call this out in a joke that was cut from the final broadcast.

Even with all that, watching the roast definitely did bring me back to all the amazing roasting sessions that took place in my high school. And since I can’t just show up to work and start roasting fools, I’mma get these jokes off:

Kevin Hart
  • - Doesn’t it seem like Kevin Hart has been everywhere the past few years? Kevin, you are aware that you can turn things down right? Kevin Hart says no less than Bill Cosby’s dates.
  • - As a matter of fact, I hear he’s going to be hosting a fundraiser for Jeff Ross and Hannibal Buress in the parking lot after the show.
Martha Stewart
  • Does anybody know why Martha is here? Martha and Justin couldn’t be any more opposite. Justin is a young heart-throb that can fuck any girl with a pulse. Martha is so old after you fuck you should probably check for a pulse.
  • They even have opposite styles. Justin is an innocent young white kid that’s been trying to convince people that he’s a thug his whole life. Martha’s been trying to convince people she’s an innocent old white lady when she’s really the hardest person here. She’s actually been to prison! Not jail..prison!
Pete Davidson
  • I always wondered who the hell checks in the “other” box on the race section of forms – then I saw Pete.
Hannibal Buress
  • Hannibal, I know it probably sucks that the first thing people associate with your name is a serial killer; but after meeting you, I have to say you’re parents were kind of ahead of their time with that one
Jeff Ross
  • Jeff looks like Humpty Dumpty after he fell of the wagon

 

Shaquille O’Neal
  • Shaq is 7’1. His girlfriend is 5’2. So when Shaq comes up to tell his terrible jokes and you feel like you’re being punished, just know his girl is going to take a way way way worse punishment later tonight.
Chris D’Elia
  • I like to call Chris Tarzan – because he’s really that handsome white dude that spends all his time on Vines with monkeys. If you thought that was a black people joke just know you’re racist because I was referring to his vine videos with Justin Bieber’s monkey.
  • Chris is also Justin’s favourite comic, which means that when they hangout Chris gets to eat more leftovers than homeless guy behind your local McDonald’s.

 

Snoop Dogg
  • Snoop’s house is the only place where the smoke detectors are set up to go off when they don’t detect smoke.
Justin Bieber
  • Let’s be real Justin, you’ve made more poor decisions than Shaq at a buffet table.
  • I mean look at that haircut. What did you tell your barber? “I want to look like Ellen DeGeneres but with more emphasis on the gay?”
  • Honestly, does it disturb Ellen that every time that you go on her show you look more and more like her?
  • Justin is the only guy I know that somehow looks more feminine after puberty. You’re like the Benjamin Button of sexuality.
  • You know how I know Justin Bieber is going to go broke? Because Justin allegedly paid to sleep with a prostitute in Brazil. Justin paying for pussy is like Kanye West doing affirmations for self-confidence.
  • Justin’s meltdown has given us some amazing moments though. Like the legendary smile in the mugshot. It’s funny because that’s the exact same face all the inmates made when they heard they were going to be sharing a cell with Justin Bieber.
  • Justin says his favorite colour is purple. But I’m pretty sure he means that his favourite movie is “The Colour Purple” because that’s the last time there were this many uncomfortable black people on one screen.