Terrible Roast Jokes

Kevin Hart

– Doesn’t it seem like Kevin Hart has been everywhere the past few years? Kevin, you are aware that you can turn things down right? Kevin Hart says no less than Bill Cosby’s dates.

– As a matter of fact, I hear he’s going to be hosting a fundraiser for Jeff Ross and Hannibal Buress in the parking lot after the show.

Martha Stewart

– Does anybody know why Martha is here? Martha and Justin couldn’t be any more opposite. Justin is a young heart-throb that can fuck any girl with a pulse. Martha is so old after you fuck you should probably check for a pulse.

– They even have opposite styles. Justin is an innocent young kid that’s been trying to convince people that he’s a thug his whole life. Martha’s been trying to convince people she’s an innocent old white lady when she’s really the hardest person here. She’s the only one here who’s actually been to prison. Not jail…prison.

Pete Davidson

– I always wondered who the hell checks in the “other” box on the race section of forms and then I saw Pete.

Hannibal Buress

– Hannibal, I know it probably sucks that the first thing people associate with your name is a serial killer; but after meeting you, I have to say you’re parents were kind of ahead of their time with that one.

Jeff Ross

– Jeff looks like Humpty Dumpty after he fell of the wagon.

Shaquille O’Neal

– Shaq is 7’1. His girlfriend is 5’2. So when Shaq comes up to tell his terrible jokes and you feel like you’re being punished, just know his girl is going to take some way way way worse punishment later tonight.

Chris D’Elia

– I like to call Chris Tarzan because he’s a really handsome white dude that spends all of his time on Vines with monkeys. If you thought that joke was racist just know that you’re actually the real racist because I was just referring to his vine videos with Justin Bieber’s monkey.

– Chris is also Justin’s favourite comic, which means that when they hangout Chris gets to eat more trashed leftovers than homeless guy behind your local McDonald’s.

Snoop Dogg

– Snoop’s house is the only place where the smoke detectors are set up to go off when they don’t detect smoke.

Justin Bieber

– Justin is the only guy I know that somehow looks more feminine after puberty. You’re like the Benjamin Button of sexuality.

– Honestly, does it disturb Ellen that every time that you go on her show you look more and more like her?

– Besides the fact that he’s a former child star, you know how I know Justin Bieber is going to go broke? Because Justin allegedly paid to sleep with a prostitute in Brazil. Justin paying for sex is like Kanye West doing affirmations for self-confidence.

– Justin’s meltdown has given us some amazing moments though. Like the legendary smile in the mugshot. It’s funny because that’s the exact same face all the inmates made when they heard they were going to be sharing a cell with Justin Bieber.

– Justin says his favorite colour is purple. But I’m pretty sure he means that his favourite movie is “The Colour Purple” because that’s the last time there were this many uncomfortable black people on one screen.