Your Slogan Is a Lie, Let’s Fix That

Like most things in corporate America, slogans are bullshit. The idea that you as a business are going to try to tell me how I should perceive your company is ridiculous and antiquated. I mean does anybody actually still fall for this? I need to meet some of these people that are walking around thinking “Yeah I did just spent 40 minutes on hold, but their slogan says they put customers first….It must have just been a busy day or something.”  Here’s what it would look like if some well-known business slogans were a little more accurate.

State Farm: Like a good neighbor, State Farm minds its own business.

Unlike a certain DJ would lead you to believe, there is only one key to successfully being a good neighbor – mind your own fucking business. Nosy neighbors are the worst and today’s companies just don’t seem to understand this. Since when did it become acceptable to ask for my phone number, email, address and social security number at the cash register? Earlier this year I got a letter from my car insurance provider asking if I would like to install a tracking device on my car in order to pay lower premiums. Uhhhh no? I’d rather pay the extra cash just to keep you in the dark about my occasional 3 am visits to the local 7-11.

McDonald’s: I’m loving it – for now.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two true coming of age moments in life. The first occurs when you realize Santa Claus isn’t a real person and the second is the day you realize McDonald’s isn’t real food. It turns out there is a finite amount of Big Macs your body can take before it stops trying to keep up the facade and just stops processing “McFood” completely. If you are young and lucky enough to still be living in this honeymoon period – congratulations, enjoy it while it lasts. On the other hand, if you have already had this literally gut-wrenching realization, well, enough said.

Energizer: Keeps going and going and going until you actually really need it.

We’ve all done it. Opened up our calculator to see that it has less than 10% of its battery life left. You should change those batteries you think to yourself, except you get used to that 10% warning message and eventually just kind of forget about it. A few weeks later you’re sitting in your college classroom getting ready for your final exam, when something seems off about your calculator. The warning sign now says 5%. Being the intelligent student that you are, you do the math and come to the conclusion that if you lasted few weeks on just 5% of the battery life you should be alright to finish up this exam. EXCEPT IT PROMPTLY DIES ON YOU LIKE 10 MINUTES LATER. Oh, what’s that? It’s just me that’s this irresponsible? Cool.

Nike: Just do it..or not.  You’re pretty tired & you have a big day tomorrow.

I watch a lot of sports, which honestly means I watch a lot of sports ads with a little live sports peppered in between. I don’t get sports ads. I guess they are supposed to make us believe that if we purchase the gear we might just be able to play like pros? When I watch sports ads my thought process is typically more along the lines of “Wow. Look at Dwyane Wade’s calves. My calves are never going to be that big”. Clearly they are working though, because we all know the one guy that wears the entire latest Jordan brand collection out on the court at once but is somehow still the worst player there. Spike Lee lied to you bro, it turns out it’s not the shoes.

UPS: What can Brown mess up for you?

So you buy this gift right? It’s the perfect gift, super thoughtful yet super practical and somehow still within your budget. But then you see the expected delivery date – 4 to 7 business days. Once again, you do the math and as long as this gift is here within 6 business days you’ll be fine. The gift arrives on the 7th day. Yes I’m painfully aware that this is once again 100% my fault. I’m petty, deal with it.

Las Vegas: What happens in Vegas leads to a really awkward conversation several weeks later.

I was hesitant about even touching this one since it is part of what could arguably be the greatest marketing campaign of all time. People really do think that they can get away with things that would never be socially acceptable elsewhere just because they’re in Vegas. What this slogan conveniently fails to mention is that we now live in the smartphone era, which means nothing “stays” anywhere.

Subway: Eat “fresh”

Listen Subway, I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with this stuff but please stop it. There is nothing fresh about fake meat that has been sitting in it’s own fake meat juices for hours on end. It’s not that I’m against what you’re trying to do, I practically lived on Subway during my college years, but even then I pretty much knew that the entire Subway customer base consists of people who are too cheap to buy real food but also too self conscious to get another burger. It may be subtle, but it’s about time that your slogan reflected this.