Somalia and Brazil

Both my parents are from Somalia which is a small country on the east coast of Africa. Somalia is best known for a few things. The first is piracy – I am the captain now – that was us. And the second is poor people. Which if you think about it, kind of makes sense together. I feel like there’s a lot of countries where the things they’re best known for just don’t go together or make sense as a whole. For example Brazil is known for producing really great soccer players but it’s also known for producing women with really big butts, which to me just sounds like a bad idea and not the ideal place to train athletes. Big butt is like athlete kryptonite and i’ll only need two words to prove that – Lamar Odom.

*If you don’t know who that is, don’t worry about it, your life won’t change at all without this piece of information.

All You Can Eat

This is a bit of a controversial opinion so I’m just going to put it out there. I think North America’s official sport should be all you can eat buffet. First off, let’s face it, it would be more accurate at this point. We have an obesity problem so we might as well lean into it. 1 Also just think about how intimidating that would be at the Olympics. Walking out at the opening ceremony with giant spoons and forks like:

Oh your national sport is running? That’s cute. We have so much food we eat it for sport.

I actually think that all you can eat restaurants are more competitive than sports because not everyone is into sports but everyone likes taking advantage of a potential deal. It doesn’t matter if you’re 100 pounds or 400 pounds, everyone sees a buffet and thinks the exact same set of thoughts. They always starts innocent and then get super competitive:

$19.99 for as much food as I want? That’s a great deal. In fact that’s an irresponsible deal. How dare you offer me this deal? Challenge accepted. I’m gonna put you out of business.

Because no one goes to a buffet to eat a comfortable amount of food. You don’t even go to a buffet to get your moneys worth. Everyone goes to a buffet with one intention only –  to do as much damage as financially possible.

We take buffets so serious in our family. I remember one time we were going to a buffet for my sister’s birthday and I forgot and made breakfast. Big mistake. My mom came down and just straight up smacked the toast out of my hand..then threw it in the trash..then came back and smacked me on the back of my head..then went back to sleep without saying a word! I deserved it, I almost broke the cardinal rule – no eating before the buffet. 2

Buffets change my dad too. Because my dad’s not all that into sports but when we’re in the car on the way to a buffet he turns into an overzealous coach. As soon as we get within eyesight of the restaurant he starts his pregame pep talk:

Now this isn’t just any restaurant were going to this is an all you can eat buffet! So I don’t want to see you drinking any water, eating any bread, in fact no carbs whatsoever! We’re here for protein and dessert only! Mo I know you like noodles but we have those at home so stick to the game plan!

The only thing that’s missing is us huddling up outside the car and yelling break. 3

Now all you can eat is not a single player sport. You’re facing off against an opponent and it’s not the owner. It’s the waiters. The second you take a sip of water you better believe that there’s going to be a waiter asking you if you’d like a refill. Or just to “top it off”. They always come out of nowhere too. I’m pretty sure teleportation has already been invented and it’s being used exclusively by all you can eat buffet waiters.

My favorite part is the post game because you would think that you would leave an all you can eat restaurant feeling better than you came in. But that’s not what happens when you eat four and a half pounds of roast beef, shrimp and cheescake. It creeps up on you slow too. First you start breathing heavy..then you start sweating for no reason..you end up leaving the buffet looking like you just ran a marathon! 4

 

  1. As much as people love to, you really can’t blame teens for this. At that age, road hockey just can’t compete with hot-pockets, air conditioning and naked internet girls.
  2. It wasn’t until she threw the toast in the trash that it finally all clicked like “oh yeah today’s buffet day”..because the only thing my mom hates more than us wasting food is us not taking advantage of buffet pricing.
  3. Sometimes I like to mess with him and I’ll say something like “But I hear they have really good pasta!” It makes him so mad and it works every time.
  4. You know those before and after photos in weight loss commercials? Buffets photos are like the opposite of that.

The Name Game

Some Muslim friends of mine seem to get offended when I go by Mo and not Mohamed. They think that it’s because I’m embarrassed to be Muslim, which is completely untrue. I’m always very up front about my beliefs but there are a few reasons that I sometimes use the nickname. The first is that the name Mohamed is probably the most religious name in Islam, which is a lot of pressure for someone like me that’s only semi-religious. The only more ironic naming than a nonreligious Mohamed is every Latin gang-banger named Jesus. And at least a gang-banger named Jesus could lean into it.

Look esé you don’t pay me I’m going to have to have to send you to my namesake Jesus Cristo 1

But there’s no way I can just lean into mine. Just imagine a guy named Mohamed trying to kick game without cringing. It’s impossible.

Excuse me miss, do you believe in the hereafter? Well I saw you from across the room and now you know what I’m here after.

The other reason I sometimes use Mo is because while I’m definitely not embarrassed about where I come from, I am 100% embarrassed about the fact that I share a name with some complete douches. If you google my name – Mohamed Osman – two of the top three results are pretty horrible! The first  – and this is 100% true – is a middle aged Sudanese bodybuilder. Like this dude is at least 40 years old which I think we can all agree is way too old to be posting pictures of yourself in your undies and lathered up in oil. 2 The second most famous Mohamed Osman according to google is a guy who’s well known for a darker reason. This Mohamed Osman was a terrorist. And not only was he a terrorist, he was the worst kind of terrorist. A failed terrorist. 3 Mohamed Osman Mohamud planned on blowing up a Christmas tree lighting which is really bad for obvious reasons but also because it kind of sounds like he just ripped off Die Hard. But I guess terrorists ain’t big on originality. I feel like if he did watch Die Hard he was definitely rooting for Han:

Non-Terrorist: Hey what do you think about Die Hard?

Terrorist: Great movie very sad though.

Non-Terrorist: Oh yeah that part where he tells his wife he loves her.

Terrorist: Yes and he didn’t even get to finish the job at the end.

Non-Terrorist: Wait…are you talking about Hans?

The worst part is that now that I know what comes up when you google Mohamed Osman I can’t even get mad anymore when I get “randomly selected” at airports. Because I know the security agent thinks I could potentially be a) an escaped terrorist from prison or b) a forty something Muslim bodybuilder, which let’s face it sounds like someone one divorce away from being a potential terrorist. So there’s a lot of baggage with my full birth name and almost no downside to occasionally using Mo. 4

  1. Or something else equally intimidating
  2. And every single one of his photos is the exact same – picture perfect bodybuilder pose from the neck down but from the neck up it’s just the sad look of a guy that knows that he’s going through the world’s most time consuming midlife crisis. It’s all in the eyes.
  3. Completely kidding, please don’t judge me by this horrible joke.
  4. Alright, I lied. There’s one downside. Sometimes when I’m signing up for usernames online, my name looks like one word. So instead of Mo Osman it looks like Moosman which just sounds like a terrible Canadian superhero. Is it a deer? is it a bison? No, it’s Moosman!

Unintentional Comedy Babies

Writing jokes is generally pretty fun but there is one thing about it that is heartbreaking. Comedy is the only activity where someone can beat you by complete accident. The other day my friend showed me a video of a sneezing baby that was way funnier than every single joke I’ve ever told combined. This baby was like a young Eddie Murphy. In fact if this baby had any other material he could probably go on tour. That’s how funny this baby’s reaction to sneezing was.

At first even I had to grudgingly admit that the baby had skills. He knew how to work his audience. But then we watched it a couple more times and at this point my friend is literally crying tears of laughter. I on the other hand, was crying internally. Because it was at this point that I had the most insecure thought in history. I actually thought to myself

Oh my god my friend thinks this baby is funnier than me..

In any other domain that just doesn’t happen. Imagine if you were an athlete in a really tough sport, let’s say male gymnastics. 1 And let’s say you spend your whole life training to make it to the Olympics and do. And let’s say you come in second place and look over to see who the judges scored better than you and in first place was…a sneezing baby. You’d be pissed! Well know you know exactly how I feel about babies. I’m very anti-baby. 2

  1. Those guys are hella ripped
  2. In case you were wondering how salty I actually am about all of this, notice that I refused to link to the video mentioned above.

Racism Connoisseur

At times being black and Muslim feels a little like winning the lottery twice, except instead of getting money you get racism, which is way less fun. It’s not all bad though. One of the benefits of being both is that you get really good at distinguishing between different types of racism. You become almost a racism connoisseur.. And like any good connoisseur you get to know your likes, dislikes, your flavor preferences and just generally end up with a more refined racism palette.

For example, my least favorite type of racism is one you might not expect. My least favorite type of racism is the assumption that all black guys, are packing 🍆. Not because it’s not true ladies but because like anything in life, it’s all about managing expectations. If I were (hypothetically) slightly above average as a member of any another race it would be totally cool. But just because I’m black all of a sudden it’s a disappointment? That’s just unfair. It’s textbook racism and I won’t stand for it. 1

My favorite type of racism is what I like to call public transportation racism. Public transportation racism is when all the seats are taken except for the seat next to you and there’s a standing middle aged lady standing who looks way too scared to sit down. I always feel conflicted when this happens because on the one hand it’s definitely hurtful but I also really enjoy my personal space. The joke’s on you lady – you just did me a huge favor. Thanks for the racism. It’s never someone you want to sit next to you. It’s always the lady that’s kind of talking to herself, with the huge jacket and the nail clippers which she definitely planned on using.2 The point is racism isn’t always bad.

  1. I mean I’ll probably still get it up but that’s besides the point
  2. The thing that annoys me about people who cut their nails on the subway, beyond the fact that what their doing is disgusting, is that I guess their doing it to save time? But it’s never someone who looks super busy. It’s never a guy in a suit with a Bluetooth earpiece cutting his nails. It’s always some retired lady who’s just reached that old age where she doesn’t care anymore. That age where you stand up to give an impromptu speech and everyone gets really nervous.

Fast and Furious Pranks

I don’t think I’m ever going to be as as mature as my parents. In fact, I know I’m not because I’ve already begun planning pranks for when I’m their age. 30 years from now, when we’re all in self driving cars and stuff, I’m going to start telling young people that The Fast & The Furious was a documentary series.

Son, this is really just how we all drove. Dinging your bumper as you drift through a crowd to avoid a drone strike? No biggie, it happens to the best of us. Accidentally taking the wrong shortcut from one building to another in Dubai? That’s exactly what insurance is for.

I really think it could work because by then I’ll just be some innocent looking old guy with absolutely no reason whatsoever to lie about it. And that’s what makes it brilliant. But let’s say someone pushes back and seems skeptical. I have one fact that will instantly give me credibility. I’m going to ask them to look up how Paul Walker died. 1

I think the only thing that could potentially ruin this prank is that there’s a real possibility that the series is still around and popular 30 years from now. I can see the promos already:

Coming August 2047: The 20th instalment of the world’s greatest film series, Fast and FuryXX. Starring Taylor Lautner as Vin Diesel’s ethnically ambiguous son in a literal space race for the ages.

I’m making fun of it like I wouldn’t go see it but I’d definitely go see it. They’ll probably be blowing up entire planets by then and who doesn’t want to see that?

  1. This is the unfortunate part of the post where I have to explain that Paul Walker, the star (former star I guess..) of The Fast and the Furious died in a car accident. Obviously a sad and unfortunate situation, but it’s nice to know that god has a sense of humour.

Local News

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the local news and I finally realized why.

WHY I HATE THE LOCAL NEWS

First, they never just tell you the story. Like they won’t just say a hurricane is coming and you should probably leave. Instead they always gotta start with a snarky little intro. Something cheesy like:

A huff and a puff and he’ll blow your house down, is hurricane Harvey coming to town? Find out next..

Just completely unnecessary and over the top dramatic for no reason. It’s like every news anchor thinks that this is going to lead to their big break if they deliver the line just right.

Also, the ordering of the stories makes no sense. For example, on one show the first story was about a hurricane, a major national news story, which completely makes sense to lead with. The second story was about a cute dog that got rescued which would lead you to believe it was a slow news day but then came the third story. The third story was about a double murder! Now I know PETA has made major strides but when did dogs become more important than unsolved murders? That means there was a news producer that actually thought:

You know what, two murders just isn’t sexy enough, they might change the channel. We should move the dog story up.

WHY I LOVE THE LOCAL NEWS

  1. Weird interviewees are the best
  2. Watching office drama break out on live tv is mesmerizing
  3. Actually knowing what’s going on locally

White Daydreams and Hobbies

Sometimes I do this weird thing where I daydream what it’s like to be white. Because while I’m sure it’s not as cool as I imagine in my head, it does have to be pretty awesome. That’s the only explanation for a lot of super white hobbies. Take camping for example. This is what the basic idea of camping sounds like to most non-white people:

What if your life was so perfect that you spent a couple weekends a year pretending to be dirt poor, just for fun?

Skydiving is yet another white people hobby we generally don’t get the thought process behind:

My life is too safe. Let’s jump out of a plane strapped to a stoned hippy for the lulz

But the ultimate white privilege hobby is definitely serial killing. Do you know how confident you have to be that you’re not going to get pulled over to commit multiple murders? I get nervous driving with weed in the car so a dead body is kind of a no-no for me.

Romantic Dick Pics

Dick pics get an unfairly bad rap. People always say it’s the thought that counts and if you think about it a dick pic is actually one of the more rock solid ways to prove to a woman that you’re thinking of them. 1 Women often wonder what guys are thinking when they send dick pics and the answer is pretty obviously that they’re not. An erection is literally just blood rushing from your decision making head to your other head. Every dick pic ever is just the inevitable result of poor blood flow. That’s why I never ever judge when I come across those news stories of guys getting their dicks stuck in all kinds of crazy stuff. Deep down I know that if I was just maybe 15% lonelier, I could easily end up in a similar situation.

I think there’s two real reasons that women hate dick pics. The first is that they get them from strangers online which is just rude. I get annoyed when I get junk mail from BestBuy about sales that they’re having so I can only imagine what it’s like to open a message and instead of 30% off a giant plasma, it’s a giant veiny penis with plasma coming out of it. 2 I think the other reason women hate dick pics is because it takes no effort. You literally just whip it out (your phone I mean), scroll to the sepia filter, pull down your pants and take a picture.

But there is one way to make a dick pic romantic. Are you ready for it?

You send it via snail mail.

Because if you open up your mailbox and there’s a printout of a dick in it sure you’re first thought might be “Ew, whose dick is this?” But you’re second thought would definitely be “someone put a lot of thought into this“. They had to go get the photos developed knowing that the guy across the counter would see their dick, then go to your house to figure out the address, then go to the post office to buy stamps and then finally mail the thing. That’s a lot of effort just to show you their dick. There’s no way you don’t find that at least a little bit romantic.

Gay Myths

One of my favourite things is when people say they don’t believe in people being gay. Like we don’t have proof that it exists. Like it’s a myth or something.

Saying you don’t believe in gay people isn’t like saying that you don’t believe in aliens where someone could reasonably go “Yeah you might be right about that”. Gay people are at least 5% of the world population. Saying you don’t believe in gay people is like saying you don’t believe in Nigerians. Sure, ones a little easier to figure out but besides that it’s kind of the same thing. You don’t have to go to Nigeria to believe it exists!

If you watch porn and you say you don’t believe in gay people then you’re just straight up lying because the gay category on Pornhub is alphabetically near the top. Sure you might not have clicked it but we’ve all seen the gif..

If you don’t watch porn and you’re super religious then think of it this way. If you can believe that some hippie dude turned water to wine 2000 years ago, is it really that hard to believe that two dudes might like going down on each other?