Inappropriate Jokes Anonymous

I’m at this weird stage where I’m mature enough to know that I’m not supposed to be this immature. Like I’m at the age at which my mom already had me, a human she was responsible for at all times and I at this very same age, still pretend automatic doors are magic. 1

I joke when I’m nervous and a lot of the time it gets me in trouble. Like one time I was answering questions in a job interview, when the interviewer mentioned that I’d gotten through all the hard ones at which point I said “That’s what she said,” and she said “Get out.” 

I didn’t get that job.

Another time I was at a funeral and the widow mentioned her husband died two days before his 70th birthday and I said “69? Nice!”

The worst instance of this was one time when my dad and I were having a really serious conversation where he told me his deepest, darkest secret, which was that he felt a little guilty for leaving his family to immigrate to Canada. Then he asked me what my deepest, darkest secret was. And in hindsight I do not have one of those. But I felt like I needed to say something so I said “Dad I never told you this before but I used to pronounce the word meme, mehmay” 2

I’m thinking about starting a support group called inappropriate jokes anonymous. We could even partner with alcoholics anonymous. They’d share their heartbreaking struggles with addiction and we would try not to crack jokes or laugh.

  1. Maybe not in a group setting but if no one is watching, you better believe I’m using the force to open those automatic doors.
  2. In my defence it’s pronounced Pepe the frog not Peep the frog, which seems inconsistent.

Gay Choices and Fragile Masculinity

It’s crazy that some people still think that being gay is a choice. Especially because they talk about it like it’s a bad choice. I’m straight but if I could choose? I’d definitely be gay. Hands down. Being gay just looks like so much fun you know? If you ignore the centuries of religious persecution – just put that to the side for now – and were just starting fresh from today, I think any sane person would choose gay. What you would do if I gave you a choice between the two following hypothetical people?

PERSON A:

  • someone who has a similar body type to you
  • someone you can share clothes and workout with
  • someone who really understood your body and how to pleasure it

Or PERSON B:

  • someone with a body that makes no sense anatomically
  • someone who doesn’t understand your body at all
  • someone where you spend most of your time trying to prevent your body parts from accidentally creating life

You would choose person A every time. Plus as a gay guy I could drink appletinis and if anyone every tried to make fun of me with the typical “What are you gay?” I’d simply reply with “Yes, I decided last week.”

It’s weird that we still associate certain things with genders. Did you know that the reason Coke made Coke Zero was because research showed that men thought that Diet Coke was too feminine? Yeah, apparently diabetes is really manly.

Sometimes companies will try to make you associate gender with products. Like how they just came out with vaseline for men which is ridiculous because there’s no reason guys can’t use regular vaseline. It’s an obvious cash grab. Unless “for men” secretly means that it’s better for masturbating in which case it’s genius. Do you know how many guys need lube that doesn’t explicitly say lube? That’s every teenager and husband. That’s a giant market. Maybe you have to read between the lines. Maybe it’s not actually vaseline for men. Maybe its “Vaseline” for men.. 😉😉

Speaking of which, I actually have a brilliant idea for lube. I’m going to create my own lube that looks like peanut butter. Hell, it could even taste like peanut butter if your nasty like that…and here’s the brilliant part I’m going to call it Peanut Butter’s Penis Butter.

Ugly Babies and the Parent License

You ever see someone so ugly you wish their face came with a little warning? Something like:

Warning: The following face may not be suitable for all audiences

My friend just had a kid and his baby has one of those faces. Look, while I’m certainly not mean enough to straight up call an infant ugly, I am honest enough to say baby Tamara isn’t cute. Which is saying a lot for a baby. That’s pretty much the only thing you expect from a baby and Tamara just isn’t holding up her end of that deal right now.

Of course it’s not her fault, it’s her dad’s fault in two ways. First, he literally made her and when the meal is messed up you you don’t get mad at the food you blame the cook, you know what I mean? Second, he really should have warned me before I witnessed the traumatic experience that was his daughters face. That was probably too far. Hopefully she’ll grow into it. 1

The first time my friend told me about Tamara was a little over 9 months ago. 2 I remember having two distinct thoughts upon hearing the news. The first was “Congratulations I’m so happy for you,” which is the thought your supposed to have. My friend really wanted a kid and this wasn’t one of those oh shit I guess we gotta just roll with it and pretend we’re happy situations. The second one was the more honest one which was “It’s kind of crazy that we let just anyone have a baby!” 3

Luckily for me, I didn’t say that thought out loud.

It’s kind of insane that there are no rules around who can or can’t have a kid. Think about it this way, you need to pass three separate tests to ride a moped but when you have a kid it’s literally just

“Here you go. I hope you don’t mess him up too bad!”

That’s crazy! Let’s be real, a bad moped driver is mostly just a danger to himself and the people around them. Eventually natural selection kind of just sorts that shit out. You know who a bad parent is a danger to? The entire planetary population. You think Hitler couldn’t have used a slightly more loving dad? A bad parent can do way more damage than a bad moped driver.

Child protective services isn’t enough, you should definitely need some sort of license before even having a kid. I was on a bus one night at around one am with this guy and his toddler. Now look, do I absolutely know that he was a bad father from our 10 minute bus ride? No. But I do know that:

a) He was on public transportation at one am with a toddler.

b) He had a tattoo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on his neck. All four, from Donatello below his right ear all the way across to Michaelangelo below his left ear. It was like a hoodrat Mount Rushmore. 4

Now I’m pretty sure that if this guy showed up to his local adoption agency with his TMNT tattoo it would have went something like this.

INT. ADOPTION AGENCY – DAY

TMNT GUY sits across a desk from a STERN LOOKING ADOPTION CASE WORKER.

TMNT GUY

Look I know I don’t have car or a job but I have a good heart and I really want to adopt a kid. Can I?

The CASE WORKER begins to laugh hysterically.

 

Yet somehow just because the kid squirted out of his dick (or his significant other if we’re being anatomically accurate) we need to wait and see how everything turns out. It’s a huge double standard. A neck tattoo is just a few inches a way from face tattoo and I think that we can all agree that anyone with a face tattoo probably shouldn’t be raising children. 5

  1. Hopefully for us mostly. Also her dad was kind of a ruthless player back in the day and neither of her parents is particularly bad looking so karma might just be a real thing.
  2. Because that’s how biology works for all you virgins out there. *Points vaguely in the direction of a nervous looking teen*
  3. Really tells you all you need to know about my faith in friend’s parenting abilities.
  4. Honestly, if he wasn’t holding a toddler in his lap I would have been really impressed. That’s how good the tattoo was.
  5. I say probably only because who’s really going to tell Mike Tyson he’s not father material. You gotta prepare for the exceptions.

White Tyrone

So I met a white the white Tyrone. 1 His name was Tyrone Murphy and he looked like the complete opposite of what you would imagine a Tyrone would look like..because let’s face it when you hear the name Tyrone you picture a young black guy and this guy was old and white and wrinkly as hell. This guy looked didn’t look like a Tyrone. This guy looked like the guy that calls black guys Tyrone when he doesn’t know their name.

EXT. STREET – DAY

An OLD WHITE COUPLE watches as a MIDDLE AGED BLACK GUY’s wallet falls out of his pocket without him noticing.

OLD WHITE GUY

Hey sir, you dropped your wallet. Hey! Hey! Hey Tyrone!

THE OLD WHITE GUY gives up and opens the wallet. His WIFE watches over his shoulder.

OLD WHITE GUY

Well my god! His name’s Malcolm!

OLD WHITE LADY

Malcolm Gladwell is black?

 

Anyway, I sit down to talk to the guy and he informs me that the name Tyrone is actually of Irish origin. Bet you didn’t know that! At some point it started gaining popularity amongst African-Americans and in the great tradition of white flight, Irish people were like “You know what? You can have Tyrone. We’re white now. We’re just going to start naming our kids basic, regular white names.” 2

  1. I’m pretty sure he’s the only one.
  2. Like maybe Jaxon with an X or Skylerr with two Rs f it’s a girl.

Too Much Porn

You know you watch a lot of porn when:

  • Your phone begins to autocorrect the word and to anal
  • You sometimes forget that lotion has other uses. Uses that aren’t excessively moisturizing your penis 1
  • You not only have a favourite pornstar but also a favourite director
  • You’re not mad that your food is delivered late because you think the pizza guy is probably just having sex somewhere
  • Your internet history says the last time you logged on was 2004 because you keep forgetting to use incognito mode
  • You watch all the prequels to MILF Hunter 3 just to make sure you didn’t miss any references.
  • It really bothers you that  the first image you see after your done watching porn is your phone wallpaper which is a picture of you and your great-grandma. 2

You know you watch too much porn when:

  • You actually make an account to save your favourite clips. What kind of sick, twisted, disgusting, depraved animal does that? If you are not satisfied enough with the never ending buffet of porn options that is the Internet and one particular clip is so important to you that you need to save it for later fap sessions then you probably need to reevaluate your life.
  1. Your first reaction upon seeing lotion on your friends kitchen counter really shouldn’t be “damn this guys a freak”
  2. It’s fine, she’s already dead so it’s not so bad. It could be worse, a lot of people have their kid as their wallpaper…

As a Black Person

People can get so uncomfortable when you talk about race and as a black person I have to admit sometimes it’s hilarious. I take a lot of pleasure in watching people squirm to avoid talking about it. For example, one of my favorite hobbies as a black person, is seeing how many times I can use the phrase “as a black person” before it gets noticeably weird. So far my high score is 9. It was on a first date and the one where she finally called me out on it was when she asked if we should get dessert and I said “as a black person I just can’t do that”. 1

The beauty of the phrase “as a black person” is in just how passive aggressive it is, because unless the person you’re talking to is blind they already know you’re black but you’re just casually reminding them anyway. If you’re ever in a boring conversation I highly recommend you try it out. You don’t even have to be black. 2

Sometimes all it takes is one “as a black person” to make my day. If it’s well placed and in a conversation that’s just random enough. My favorite one ever was on this poor fellow who happened to ask me for directions to a restaurant.3 I gave them to him, he thanked me and then I decided to have a little fun.

“Not a problem, as a black person I wouldn’t recommend going there but it’s not a problem at all,” I responded.

The look on his face as he tried to comprehend what that meant was amazing. He didn’t even dare to ask why! What he did do though was walk off and then immediately ask someone else for directions. And I have to say, as a black person I was a little offended.

 

  1. I snuck off a few in that paragraph and most of you guys didn’t even notice. As a black person I’m impressed.
  2. It’s probably funnier when you’re not. Just remember to the change the word black to whatever you are, or else it won’t really work.
  3. It was a Mcdonald’s. I don’t know why I chose to write restaurant, clearly not the right word there. I also could’ve just wrote Mcdonald’s I’m pretty sure most of you have heard of it.

The Rap Guide to Shelf Help

It’s not at all an exaggeration to say that there was a period of time in my adolescence where rappers had a bigger influence on my life than my own parents. It sounds crazy to me looking back at it now but there’s no doubt that for a three to four year stretch this was certainly the case. In fact, if I had to list my biggest influences from the age of 12-15 the list would probably look something like this:

  1. Kobe Bryant 1
  2. 50 Cent
  3. Young Jeezy
  4. Nelly
  5. Jay Z 2
  6. Any Film with potential Jessica Alba nudity
  7. My Parents

Like many people my age, I grew up on hip hop. Not listening to hip hop, but on hip hop. I like to think of rap music as the drug I was on that made all of my decisions as a middle school child in the mid 2000’s make sense. Like the time I decided to take dating advice from a man who once dropped the legendary line “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.” Or how for several years, I sincerely believed that I was a size XXL – even though I barely weighed 110 pounds. Thankfully for me, my mother drew the line at unnecessarily wearing a band-aid on my face.

Hip hop was more than just music to me at that age. It was a guide to life. And while in retrospect most of the decisions I made during this “heavily rap influenced” era of my life were as poor as my fashion choices, there were some positive life lessons that I ended up taking away from this period. Here’s what it would look like if some of my favourite rappers wrote self help books:

Kanye West – The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence

If this whole etymology thing works the way it’s supposed to, 200 years from now the word confident will have morphed into the word Kanye-fident and rightfully so. No one in the history of the world has believed in anything the way Kanye West believes in himself. There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance, and while Kanye has definitely veered into arrogant territory at times, there is something endearing about someone who isn’t afraid to say what they truly feel all the time.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

One thing that I’ve found that works for Kanye is saying things out loud. That’s why every morning I look in the bathroom mirror and I say my mantra:

“I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things. I’m a creative genius and there’s no other way to word it. For me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself. When I think of competition, it’s like I try to create against the past. I think about Michelangelo and Picasso. You know, the pyramids. Because you can’t look at a glass half-full or empty if it’s overflowing.” 3

And then I brush my teeth and get dressed. Now will most of you reading be able to afford the dope ass outfit I put on? Probably not. But it really doesn’t matter because the dopest thing I’m always going to be wearing is confidence.

50 Cent – The Art of War

50 Cent is without a doubt hip hop’s most likeable bully. Over the past decade, he has had beef with nearly everyone in hip hop and has sometimes even expanded his scope to include non rappers. Remember that one time he named his dog Oprah? Or that other time he taught the world Floyd Mayweather couldn’t really read?4 In fact, rap beef has been such an integral part of 50 Cent’s career that it even has a dedicated section on his wikipedia page. And while a case can be made that his various feuds are the only thing keeping him relevant right now, it’s not as if he acted any differently during the prime of his career. As Ja Rule, Fat Joe and pretty much every other New York rapper from the early 2000’s can attest – 50 Cent was a pretty big bully back then too. As one of the first rap superstars of the internet era, 50 set the blueprint for how to use web trolling to remain relevant and personable in the public eye. So sure, he might not know what a grapefruit is, but when it comes to beef 50 cent is a god damn connoisseur.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

“Where is Ja?” It’s a question that I ask myself all too often – particularly on nights that I can’t sleep. My homies say I’m paranoid but is it really that crazy to think that he could be out there right now plotting his way to finally get his revenge against me? Shit, he could be here in this house and I wouldn’t even know it. It’s one of the downsides of living in this 23 bedroom mansion. Consider this lesson one in the art of war; war never stops even when it appears one side has won. Always be prepared.

Now excuse me, I have to go write another diss record just in case.

Snoop Dogg – The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:

When most people get high their productivity drops. Once that THC kicks in, it’s like all of those chores suddenly don’t seem so important anymore and it really does seem like more of a television and cereal-for-dinner type of night anyway. When Snoop is high, he sells millions of albums, while starring in multiple film and television roles and amassing a net worth of over $100 million. Uncle Snoop clearly knows some things that the rest of the world doesn’t.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

So check it out nephew, this publisher gave me quite a nice check to give you fools some advice on how to better your lives. Now I have to be honest, some of y’all are lost causes. But I’m not one to focus on the player haters and perpetrators so let’s get to it. The first thing S-N-O-O-P-D-O-G-G would advise is that all of you ladies and gentlemen start worrying about your health. Now, personally, I am a fan of the seaweed diet. I call it that because the only rule to the diet is that once you see weed you have to smoke it. Some people are going to say this is unhealthy, don’t listen to them. I’ve lived by this diet for over 30 years and haven’t gotten sick once. And if weed really affects your short-term memory, then how come I always remember to smoke weed? Another important part of being healthy is exercise. People always ask me how I manage to stay so slim at my age. It’s actually really simple. Two words – crip walking.

Diddy – Think & Grow Rich

Of all the people on this list, Diddy is the closest to an actual real life self help guru. And unlike most self help gurus, Diddy’s advice actually comes with no strings attached. You don’t need to buy a book or go to an expensive seminar to get it, all you need to do is follow him on social media and watch as those life changing motivational messages slowly trickle in. Unfortunately, just like most self help gurus, the advice itself isn’t all that practical. It’s all sizzle and no steak. But Diddy is a master at selling the sizzle. There are few things as motivational as watching Diddy talk that talk. I mean just listen to this, or this, or this or any of these. It’s gotten to the point where I really don’t even expect rapping anymore when I see “featuring Diddy” on a track. I just expect another motivational speech that will make me feel like I’m just a couple steps away from becoming a billionaire. How exactly am I going to make the billion? I’m not sure, I’m still working on that part. But I’m motivated and that’s half the battle right?

Unauthorized Excerpt:

The best way to get something done is to begin. Success doesn’t make champions, challenges do… So if you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down. A real person is not perfect, and a perfect person is not real.Your mistakes should be your motivation, not your excuses. Have you been on your grind today? Or have you let the negativity consume you! Focus people! God 1st! Get money! Never stop! Let’s go!!! 5

Birdman – How to Win Friends and Influence People

Birdman is an awful rapper. He’s also happens to the fifth richest one in the world. He’s the owner of the label Cash Money Records – the home of a couple of rappers that happen to be pretty damn good. How did this come to be? Does he have super human networking skills? Was he just in the right place at the right time? Does he tell really good jokes? The world deserves to know Mr. Birdman, tell us the secret.

Unauthorized Excerpt:

 

  1. Nothing tops yelling out “KOBE!” and hitting a game winner in middle school. I’m pretty confident my life peaked right at that moment.
  2.  Yes I had Nelly over Jay at one point in my life. I have no explanation for it other than I was 12.
  3. These are all real things Kanye has said at one point or another.
  4.  Ironically, just like Floyd, 50 has a pretty spotless record of his own. I mean 50 Cent pretty much is the Floyd Mayweather of rap beef. Also, did 50 give Floyd the only L of his career?
  5.  Once again, real Diddy tweets.

Your Slogan Is a Lie, Let’s Fix That

Like most things in corporate America, slogans are bullshit. The idea that you as a business are going to try to tell me how I should perceive your company is ridiculous and antiquated. I mean does anybody actually still fall for this? I need to meet some of these people that are walking around thinking “Yeah I did just spent 40 minutes on hold, but their slogan says they put customers first….It must have just been a busy day or something.” Here’s what it would look like if some well-known business slogans were a little more accurate.

State Farm: Like a good neighbor, State Farm minds its own business.
Unlike a certain DJ would lead you to believe, there is only one key to successfully being a good neighbor – mind your own fucking business. Nosy neighbors are the worst and today’s companies just don’t seem to understand this. Since when did it become acceptable to ask for my phone number, email, address and social security number at the cash register? Earlier this year I got a letter from my car insurance provider asking if I would like to install a tracking device on my car in order to pay lower premiums. Uhhhh no? I’d rather pay the extra cash just to keep you in the dark about my occasional 3 am visits to the local 7-11.

McDonald’s: I’m loving it – for now.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two true coming of age moments in life. The first occurs when you realize Santa Claus isn’t a real person and the second is the day you realize McDonald’s isn’t real food. It turns out there is a finite amount of Big Macs your body can take before it stops trying to keep up the facade and just stops processing “McFood” completely. If you are young and lucky enough to still be living in this honeymoon period – congratulations, enjoy it while it lasts. On the other hand, if you have already had this literally gut-wrenching realization, well, enough said.

Energizer: Keeps going and going and going until you actually really need it.
We’ve all done it. Opened up our calculator to see that it has less than 10% of its battery life left. You should change those batteries you think to yourself, except you get used to that 10% warning message and eventually just kind of forget about it. A few weeks later you’re sitting in your college classroom getting ready for your final exam, when something seems off about your calculator. The warning sign now says 5%. Being the intelligent student that you are, you do the math and come to the conclusion that if you lasted few weeks on just 5% of the battery life you should be alright to finish up this exam. EXCEPT IT PROMPTLY DIES ON YOU LIKE 10 MINUTES LATER. Oh, what’s that? It’s just me that’s this irresponsible? Cool.

Nike: Just do it..or not. You’re pretty tired & you have a big day tomorrow.
I watch a lot of sports, which honestly means I watch a lot of sports ads with a little live sports peppered in between. I don’t get sports ads. I guess they are supposed to make us believe that if we purchase the gear we might just be able to play like pros? When I watch sports ads my thought process is typically more along the lines of “Wow. Look at Dwyane Wade’s calves. My calves are never going to be that big”. Clearly they are working though, because we all know the one guy that wears the entire latest Jordan brand collection out on the court at once but is somehow still the worst player there. Spike Lee lied to you bro, it turns out it’s not the shoes.

UPS: What can Brown mess up for you?
So you buy this gift right? It’s the perfect gift, super thoughtful yet super practical and somehow still within your budget. But then you see the expected delivery date – 4 to 7 business days. Once again, you do the math and as long as this gift is here within 6 business days you’ll be fine. The gift arrives on the 7th day. Yes I’m painfully aware that this is once again 100% my fault. I’m petty, deal with it.

Las Vegas: What happens in Vegas leads to a really awkward conversation several weeks later.
I was hesitant about even touching this one since it is part of what could arguably be the greatest marketing campaign of all time. People really do think that they can get away with things that would never be socially acceptable elsewhere just because they’re in Vegas. What this slogan conveniently fails to mention is that we now live in the smartphone era, which means nothing “stays” anywhere.

Subway: Eat “fresh”
Listen Subway, I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with this stuff but please stop it. There is nothing fresh about fake meat that has been sitting in it’s own fake meat juices for hours on end. It’s not that I’m against what you’re trying to do, I practically lived on Subway during my college years, but even then I pretty much knew that the entire Subway customer base consists of people who are too cheap to buy real food but also too self conscious to get another burger. It may be subtle, but it’s about time that your slogan reflected this.